I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
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My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
New Tinder profile.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️