Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
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I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids: