Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
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Alexa; make it look like an accident
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
is nasa ok