I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
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the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Okey dokey.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.