explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
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Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.