Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
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Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?