SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
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Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.