Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
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If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.