In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
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My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Well, shit
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted