You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
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“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis