High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
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Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
craving $300 all of a sudden
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
There’s never enough good news
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.