You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
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Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Autocorrect completely socks
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably