Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
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glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
🌱🌱🌱
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster