ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
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Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.