How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
You Might Also Like
Cartman: Respect my
a a
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.