OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
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I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”