Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
reduce, reuse, recycle
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap