They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
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Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016