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When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism