my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
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My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I have never heard an armadillo before.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry