They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
You Might Also Like
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.