Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
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[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
This a good idea
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.