(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Who says great literature is dead?
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.