Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
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Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.