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If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I love the National Park Service.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
The government even made aliens boring
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
So inspired right now.