Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
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Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
🍞🦆
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor