My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
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if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?