Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
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My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Okay, I’m still confused…