Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
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Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’