I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
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We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.