Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
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him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I’m tired tomorrow.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
“That’s what” – She