I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
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*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.