Start the year as you intend to continue.
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News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
this is the greatest thing ever
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.