Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
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I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
🛁
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.