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[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax