My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
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I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Only Americans understand
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.