I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
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The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Well, this certainly took a turn
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor