ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
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Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?