Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
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[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Breaking news:
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze