An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
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Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Jurassic park gets weird
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell