I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
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Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.