I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Catering service
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.