[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
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If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.