HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
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Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
how much for the angry fruit?
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Hello Twits.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired