Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
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Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Yes, this is exactly right
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?