My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Something Saturday.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Haha good job!!
japanese corn
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.