There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question