Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
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This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Two types of dogs.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”