Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
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Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
*jazz hands*
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations