[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
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School be like
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
me doing my best
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.